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| I hate this cycle of emotions.... the pain, the hurt, the anger, the decision to move on, the shadow lurking in the dark jumping out at me and i'm back at square one. Right now, I am at the hurt stage again... What do I have to do to stop this.
I never thought in my life, I'd ever get to see the day when tears would roll down Sniper's face, and I was utterly shocked when hie eyes starting filling with tears as he spoke of the bitterness in his heart that he's tried to hide for so long. Love is pain... and it hurt me to see him in so much pain. He looked so strong, he was always strong... and this side of him shocked me. How he spoke of the one he loved breaking his heart, how people change how he will never want to make this mistake again... and he cried for all his heart could not speak... and with my arm around his shoulder in a loud kareoke room, he fell asleep just like that. He looked peaceful enough when he's asleep, I guess thats where he doesn't feel the pain. I understand. Just know, we would always be here to drink and have fun with you... just like the old days.
I always wondered when this spark will reignite, how it would and if it ever would. And when i least suspect it, my heart starts to miss him again... it's been over a year, and I'm not sure if my heart is playing tricks on me. Its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust... and i don't want things to go wrong again. Today, a friend got engaged, her boyfriend proposed... she was over the moon with joy, he was supposed to take her on a hot air ballooon ride... but due to bad weather it was cancelled.... hot air balloon.... reminded me of him and only him. And i felt the urge to cry again... Why....
Loneliness....
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| Agent J, I hope your not just playing your foolish indespicable games... Bugsy please be careful... I won't say a word.
Lately, my mind has been very blank... just going through it all day by day. I'm going through the end of the year blues... assignments, exams... blah... I do know that after it's all been done, I will be flying in the sky...
Rye... I'll be seeing you soon... oh beautiful beach house, wait for me. 7 of my favourite people, an awesome beach, summer weather, comfy beach house.... bbqs, beach, sunsets, booze, oh how I dream this stressful times will pass as quickly as they can and I'll be sitting on the balcony with my favorite people drinking cocktails watching the sunset...
<3 <3
For now though.... priorities, priorities, priorities... work and uni... : )
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| We always want thingsr to go back to the way they were... but if they did, would it still be the same. Would you still feel like you did back then, if you get to live it now? I don't think so... It can never be the same again... and those times, those days, those feelings... will only ever be a memory.
I dreamt of you and me, Insect-O... when we were happy, before all of this happened... before all these dramas and chaos. It was indeed a happy time... when things seemed so simple and you were a brother to me... and together we were happy. But through it all... what happened has happened and we can never ever change that.... you either learn to create better days or you sit and wish you were back there and get depressed over it. I chose the first one... and you... you chose the second. You want things to be better, but you never work at it... I'm tired Insect-O... I can't please everyone, understand that. I guess its a choice you got to make... learn to make the days better... or else I'm walking away and this time I will never look back. I promise.
Bugsy... You are such an interesting creature, you never fail to amaze me. I love it when your at your weakest point, when your emotions pour and you are so vulnerable... I love how fragile you can be and that is the moment that I know, you are not all you pretend to be. Thank you for being honest about the chaotic disasters... thank you for the laughter... thank you for keeping me up to keep you company cause you had a shit day and I had to be under the rain for so damn long and almost got sick. I hate you hahahahah This love-hate relationship will never end.... : )
Mr.Bug, I'm so happy you're still the you that I know. It's been a while, since Mrs. Bug came in to the picture, we've been so distant. I'm glad though that not much has changed. In truth, the 4 of us, should be inseparable... we were inseparable at one point in time. I miss it... Me, Insect-O, Bugsy and you, Mr. Bug. And our dreams of roadtrips and beaches... nightlights and the sound of the waves crashing... : )
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| What goes up must come down? Things were well for awhile... but I guess all good things come to an end. I'm not sure if Agent J is indeed an agent... but its causing troubles... too much unneccessary troubles. I just want things to be the way it was....
Maybe I'm a drifter... why does it always end badly... they come and they go... they never stay... and it hurts - to never have a bunch who sticks and stays through everything. Just once... just once...
Sunshine, your still missing that something... that spark, that ultimate spark that defines you... you know how important it is... I hope to find it soon, before everything crashes and burn.
*sigh*
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| Today, a thought of you fluttered in to my mind.... then a flood of memories washed over me. I saw the place we used to be at every Friday and Saturday night after I finish work and how it's been renovated and changed, then I realised... It has been FOUR years, Dearest. I haven't heard your voice or seen your face in 4 years, how time flies, but how tormentingly slow it also went by, how much hurt, how much happiness... it all seems so far away, but yet sometimes, when I close my eyes, it all seems so real, like a time machine, I could bring myself back to a time in the past, when you were everything.
Everywhere I went, it used to remind me of you, but now I realise, these memories of you are fading bit by bit... the perfume, the music, the photos, the places... one thing I still own is... Buddy, he's still sitting on my bed watching me every night without fail. That is all I have of you now. I still think about you... and I hope memories of me are good ones too... Thank you for showing me the meaning of living, thank you for helping find me.... Thank you for everything.
Oh Ladybug, thank you for the long chat last night, thank you for clarifying and filling me in on things. You've made me realise alot of things... its amusing how people assume so many things.... too much time on your hands I suppose? It doesn't matter... but atleast now I know his explanation and how it fucked everyone up. Just so you know.... I never hated you but now I do, you inconsiderate two faced lying bastard... : ) Biggest mistake of my life but I've learned.
Priorities sunshine, priorities... don't forget em. Never forget what you're against and how you'll get through it. Just be strong. I know you are. Don't you dare leave now... Stay now and forever.
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